AI Finale Results: COMING SOON*

* I promise…

AI Report Card Top 2: I Believe Flying Without Wings Makes You Proud For A Moment Like This Time Of Your Life (Inside Your Heaven, With No Boundaries)

 

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I apologize. I am still celebrating.  

It’s been quite the week in Idol’s world since the long delayed – but delicious – departure of Season 8s albatross, and while I appreciate the countless e-mails and comments requesting my recap of the elimination of Gokey, I was too busy dancing in the streets as late as Saturday.  Okay, not really, but the unmitigated joy I felt was palpable.  My feelings for Gokeyhaven’t exactly been hidden under any type of cloak.  My disgust of the monumental pimping, his staggering pomposity, his early – then resurrected – use of his dead wife-as-sympathy, and Christian America’s impressive drive to keep ascend him to the top, was clearly on display for you dear readers. 

Another reason I didn’t recap the elimination episode is because no one has been able to capture the unadulterated joy or the almost organic justice of  the dearly departed Danny than my friend and yours, Jim Cantiello.  His. Best. Recap. Ever.  If you haven’t seen it yet, click his photo below to join the choir:

 

 

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But I don’t want to linger on the past, no matter how fundamental the need is to gloat.  Let’s just state that Gokey’s unabashed douchbaggery is still in full throttle mode as he made the post-elimination rounds, pontificating ad nauseum about HIS struggles and woes in a non-stop barrage of verbal diarrhea, continuing to know no self-discipline or humility as he preaches his everlasting love of himself, his wife’s coffin, and his god.  I mean, really, how soon before we’re up at 2am, just jonesing for a midnight snack, when we hear a familiar gruesome growl floating from our televisions, and are strangely drawn in – and on the screen we see throngs of teary-eyed sheep, hands waving to the heavens, singing along to possibly the worst songs you have ever heard… “…Shout to the lord all the earth let us siiiing…” or “…He is exalted the King is exalted on Hiiiigh!” or even “…there is a redeemer, Jesus, God’s own sonnnnnnn!”?  Only to realize that this is notthe latest edition of the umpteenth “Songs of Worship” CD collection, but Contemporary Christian’s newest megastar, Danny Gokey In Concert on the Gospel channel, which you inadvertently tuned into while sitting on the remote? 

And keeping in-line with that daffy zealotry, here’s a clip of Gokey professing his love of Michael Sarver (fellow castoff and preacher) – at first, he confuses himself, “I love this boy to…pieces…in a (pauses)..in the RIGHTw…”  But Sarver quickly interjects that it’s in “a GODLYway”, of course, to a relieved Gokey, lest anyone think they’re, ya know, Lambert-loving fags (regardless of the fact that Gokey’s lisp is more prodigious than Clay Aiken’s). Watch the buffoonery at around the 49 second mark:

 

 

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Going into tonight’s showcase, one couldn’t help but feel the juxtaposition of joy and excitement, and elated anxiety.  That Adam and Kris genuinely like each other only adds to that joviality.  It’s akin to the David V. David of last year – two talented, albeit singular, vocalists whose sense of artistry (hey Kara, I used that term last year, so if you’re back next season, pick a new catchphrase) and obvious affection for one another begot a showdown that was more brotherly love than battle-to-the-death.

Despite Lambert’s and Allen’s obvious aesthetic differences, these two showmen share an unlikely camaraderie.  Roommates during their long Idol tenure, there seems to be (anomaly or not) an unlikely friendship that’s made up of the disparate parts of Adam (openly gay big city theatre-queen-cum-pop-Emo wailer with a voice like a bursting nova mixed with quieting passion) and Kris (low-key small-town married preacher with a smile that sends shivers down the spines of little girls – and lots of boys, too – and cool and supple, flexible vocals, and unlimited arrangement skills that all add to his charm). 

This pairing is no freak show showdown on par with Justin/Kelly or Fantasia/Diana or Bo/Carrie (sorry, folks, based on week-to-week performance, Bo should have taken the crown) or Jordin/Blake – where talented singers managed to find themselves in the finals with novice curios.  And it’s definitely not another case of Taylor/Katharine or Ruben/Clay (or again Jordin/Blake), where the Top 2 were almost weekly out sung by the purged Top 3 finisher.  Nope, in Lambert and Allen we share in the outright joy of watching two amateurs blossom based on their abilities. And that’s an Idol rarity.

It all boils down to this – if you can forgive the cliché:  it doesn’t matter who wins, because for the second time in as many years you can actually say, in no uncertain terms, they are both already stars – and I mean that in the most monetarily of ways, because love or loathe them, success is assured to both.

But it IS a contest, and one has to win.  Who will it be?  I say forget the coronation song (co-written by Kara and performed weakly by both Idols) and judge on the merit of their other performances. 

 

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 Round One: Idol’s Personal Favorite Of The Season
Adam: Tears for Fears’ (a la Gary Jules) “Mad World”
Grade: B+
Kris: Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine”
Grade: A-

 

I’ve never been the fan of this oft-used category during the finals because the ol’ cliché “You can’t go home again” rings true for a reason. It’s always probable that the Idol will reprise their greatest moment, usually to anticlimactic circumstances. Lambert’s original “Mad World” was so transcendent and so emotionally cathartic (he might have been singing the lyrics as if telling his own life story) that his replay this evening had no choice of being anything other than what it was – a flawlessly sung, less psychologically impactful redo of one of his (many) great Idol moments. 

On the other hand, Kris almost outdid his original performance by choosing not to sing his greatest Idol moment, “Falling Slowly”.  Deciding on “Ain’t No Sunshine” allowed him to refine it for a diverse interpretation. Utilizing the full orchestra in lieu of an on-stage string quartet (as it was done), with his deft piano skills, there was a not-so-subtle urgency in this reading that allowed the song to rock out a little more than his Top 9 more plaintive approach.  

 

****

 

Round Two: Simon Fuller’s Choice
Adam: Sam Cook’s “A Change Is Gonna Come”
Grade: A
Kris: Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On”
Grade: A-

 

Season 8 might have been permeated with “worship leaders” galore (Michael Sarver, Gokey and Allen were/are all local pastors) but leave it to the gay New York Jew to bring Idol to church. Lambert soared and to hear him jolt a gospel flair he’s rarely displayed was invigorating. To complain about Adam’s explicit dramatics is ridiculous, as this is a Sam Cook standard that has been vocally flourished by greats like Patti LaBelle (whose version Adam has apparently heard, based on his performance).  This is exactly the piece of music where all the stops should be pulled, as long as it doesn’t thwart the message.  Lambert was intense, emotional, liberating and fierce all rolled into one. Simon, this is a vocal master class. 

I totally disagree with the judges’ dismissal of Kris’ “What’s Going On” – mainly Simon’s “three guys in a bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye”.  I’d love to see his critique of, say, Pearl Jam’s “Unplugged” episode.  And while I usually take no heed  in Randy’s idiocy, if the choice of song was “too lite for the big ol’ room” then blame goes to Fuller, not Allen.  That’s a moot point because when an Idol gets multiple turns at the mic, better to display a range of emotions, you should want them to mix it up.  Not only was this sung with passion and vigor and absolute comprehension of lyrical content, but it was a great acoustical jam. 

 

****

 

Round Three: Coronation Song “No Boundaries”
Adam: B-
Kris: B-

 

If you’re going to have the balls, as an Idol judge, to co-pen this year’s Idol coronation song, you should at the very least try to imbue some of your million dollar skills.  DioGuardi might not be Diane Warren (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you compare bank accounts), but she did write/co-write some recent hook-laden hit songs such as Pink’s “Sober”, Kelly Clarkson’s “I Do Not Hook Up”, Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” and Celine Dion’s “Taking Chances” (originally sung by Kara herself on her defunct band’s Platinum Weird CD).   

Unfortunately, neither Adam nor Kris was able to instill a scintilla of their persona into it, as each meandered, clueless of its peripatetic melody, with Allen suffering worse as he could have benefited from a step-lowered key change. Though it suits Adam better (it could have been on Cher’s comeback CD of 1987), even his vocal pyrotechnics couldn’t spark this dud. Nope, “No Boundaries” takes its place amongst as the most dismal and tuneless of all Idol victory songs.  And that’s a hefty canon.  (Thankfully, Allison wasn’t on stage, forced to sing such drivel).

 

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Carrie Underwood
Song: “Motley Crue’s “Home Sweet Home”
Grade: C

 

Told ya Bo should have won.

 

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So, this is the end, beautiful friend (wow, imagine a Jim Morrison/Doors theme week!).  As the night closes and the voters vote, it’s now less than 24 hours until we learn who wears this year’s crown.

If Allison’s votes went to Adam and knocked Gokey out of the finale, will Gokey’s Christian congregation cast the deciding factor for fellow pastor Kris?  Or will Adam’s juggernaut result in the near-universal predictions that have saturated the landscape for months?

And – be it Adam or Kris – will we have to hear “No Boundaries” again?!

 

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Tatiana says, “You can go higher, you can go deeper, there are NO BOUNDARIES, above and beneath you…”

 

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AI Report Card Top 3: Three Men and Malady

 

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I know it might be too much to ask, but I must.  For the sake of our sanity, for our well-being, for our overall stability.  Dear readers, we need to try, like all good post-modernists…I implore thee…just try, with all the inner strength we can muster…all the power we can emanate.  Last week’s tragic Allison elimination was and is hard on us all, I know.  But. We. Must. Move. On. 

Perchance, if we believe in the forces of mythology (or voodoo – or Christendom or Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or Santeria…oh, it’s all the same) then we can convince ourselves it was God’s will!  YES!  Maybe He destined his messenger-on-earth to rattle His dominions to hold prayer meetings and voting block parties to disallow the sinners to ascend to the mighty stairway to the top (of Idol, that is).  Yea, so I walk through the valley of….oh, you get it.  Those jovial religious freaks!  They are such a hoot!  They love them some Gokey!  But, I pontificate, non-believer that I am.  And it’s not really fair to blame Gokey’s religious zealotry on his status.  After all, Kris himself is also a ‘worship leader’, although he doesn’t whore it like Danny.

Again, pontificating.  Sorry, long day at work, long night at home, and I’m exhausted.  And this lackadaisical Top 3 edition of Idol wasn’t what I expected.  With one choice in KRaPSs hand and one in their own, I expected a thriller of an evening.  What I received was a bummer. With one – count ‘em – ONE performance that came close to a home-run, it’s ironic that Simon took every pre-Top 3 performance interview opportunity to claim Kris out-of-league to Lambert and Gokey.  Guess whose home-run it was?

Randy proclaimed this evening that Lambert was one of the best singers in Idol’s history, and while I’ll concur that sentiment, this remained his weakest night, while Gokey’s sturm und drang revue was in full bloom.

Despite an uninspiring evening, it’s gonna be tight, folks.  Though it clearly shouldn’t be.

 

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Danny Gokey
Paula’s Choice: Terence Trent D’Arby’s “Dance Little Sister”
Grade: C+
His Choice: Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful”
Grade: B-

 

If one didn’t know Paula’s history better, one might have raised an eyebrow with her choice of an obstruse Terence Trent D’Arby track for Gokey (ironic song title since he’s about as funky as a platypus) – she was the judge, after all, who in season 5 chose the obscure Bobby Caldwell track ”What You Won’t Do For Love” for Elliott, and The Police’s “Roxanne” for a rangeless Blake Lewis in season 6.  Could one surmise that it was a secret desire by Abdul to blow Gokey’s chance for a deserved Allen/Lambert finale?  Well, I doubt that.  This was the judge, after all (oh, deja vu!), who weeks ago “predicted” a Gokey Top 2 finish.  His grooveless, inept performance notwithstanding. 

To me, Gokey will always be the retarded little offspring of Taylor Hicks (whom I’ve compared him to since January) and Beelzebub-by-way-of-Linda Blair, so how apropos that his choice would be the same that Randy hand-picked for Hicks in Hicks’ finest season 5 Idol moment.  Where Hicks’ version was reflective and subdued, Danny sadly morphed a lovely ballad into a clunky, clammy snarl.  Thankfully, he refrained from his wobbly stage persona and mostly remained seated but when he inculcated a tinge of mucilage gospel, it was a Maalox moment.  When Simon added to his already season-heavy malapropisms by stating it a “vocal master class”, it was Depends all the way.

****

 

Kris Allen
Randy/Kara’s Choice: OneRepublic’s “Apologize”
Grade: B-
His Choice: Kanye West’s “Heartless”
Grade:  A-

 

“Apologize” was chosen by Kara and Randy because it was “Open for interpretation”, and while Kris is infinitely superior to Ryan Tedder and his monstrous OneRepublic (meet the new Air Supply, same as the old Air Supply), this remains his clunkiest performance of the season (especially taking into consideration that almost exactly one year ago, David Archuleta came out and embarrassed the hell out of Tedder by out-performing Tedder on his own song on their finale-show duet).  He misses the power falsetto (so does Tedder live – YouTube the aforementioned duet. Pro-tools is a dream for his tuneless ilk) and his wavering voice showcased a fear and discomfort away from his element. 

However, a monumental debacle and auto-tuned nightmare that happened right on the Idol stage a mere few weeks ago by Kanye West himself begot the best performance of the evening.  Borrowing from The Fray’s eclectic West cover, Kris decimated the memory of his first song, jamming ”Heartless” up in a soaring performance.   He proved that, even more than Lambert – and obviously more than Gokey, he’s the more commercially viable of this years top 3.

****

Adam Lambert
Simon’s Choice: U2’s “One”
Grade: B
His Choice: Aerosmith’s “Cryin”
Grade: B

 

Simon’s choice of U2s “One” – one of the great rock anthems of all time – was a bold move which was, unfortunately – and despite the judges unanimous exaltation – executed disparately.  A poetic, painful lyric of an AIDS-stricken man’s dying confessional to his father, Lambert’s plaintive, beautiful opening was infused with a passionate yearning.  But by slipping into the meretricious, indulgent vocal melodramatics, it quickly became an imbalance of reticent and hysteria, which negated the lyrical redemption and overall beauty of the song.  

Following last week’s show, I jokingly suggested that Adam show Danny how it’s done and should choose “Dream On” for this evening’s festivities. Almost sweet justice.  I’d accuse Lambert of deliberately face-slapping Gokey with his choice of (not-early Aerosmith, Kara) “Cryin’” if he weren’t so damned humble and gracious, calling out Allen’s and Gokey’s talent in Idol solidarity.  Sometimes vocal pyrotechnics are almost mandatory, especially if attempting Steven Tyler’s legendary howl (note to Gokey: NOT YOU).  Still, Lambert has rarely seemed so cold and calculated as his recital tonight.  I won’t claim haughtiness, because I sense nil, but with both “One” and “Cryin’” I don’t sense the Rock-star-in-waiting that the judges foresee. Clearly the best vocalist left standing – and the best male Idol vocalist of its history – tonight it felt more like non-stop erratic cabaret.

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And so it goes.  The final performance show before another season winds down with next week’s finale.  Will it be Lambert/Gokey (yep)?  Or will the Kris brigades assure us a more justifiable showdown (nope)? 

Who knows.  All I know is I’m missing her big time.

 

 

AI Top 4 Results: Allison, Your Aim Is True*

*lyric from Elvis Costello’s “Alison”

 

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It could have been Hurricane Katrina, Brooklyn style, here at home this evening, as my partner Rob’s tears flowed like torrents and I sat pensively staring at the TV (Hey, I don’t cry.  Unless I’m watching “The Color Purple”.  Or “E.T.” Oh, screw it.  I blubber with the best of them) knowing this was the probable conclusion.  Through the gasps of breath and the swallowing of words, Rob stated, forlornly and bittersweetly, “Of all the nights! Rock week! She was rockiest of them all!!!”  And who am I to disagree? Rather who would I be if I disagreed?  Not the true fan of Allison that I am.  No journey moved me more than this spitfire’s from Los Angeles.  With no grassroots fundamentalist campaign or sad-sack back story, no dead relatives, and no Jesus complex, she relied solely on raw talent and an undeniable force of will, and proved – beyond a shadow of any doubt – that she stands as the greatest teen Idol of all 8 seasons. 

Witnessing her exit performance of “Cry Baby” was like watching pre-Disney, post-bathhouse Bette Midler, a 17-year-old force-of-nature spelunking the nadir of her soul while tearing the mother-effin’ roof off the joint in a more scorching tour de force than any teen has the right to possess.  They tried to pigeonhole her as a Rock goddess (I concur) but she proved just as agile with any genre they tossed in the ring, singing rings around just about any Top 36 contestant.  Her ”likeability” always questioned, she was the only endearingly authentic persona on that stage.  She was randomly ridiculed for her fashion sense, but what 16-going-on-17-year old is a seasoned fashionista?  No, Allison was that clichéd “real deal”.  I know there’re only two weeks left, but Idol will be missing more than a scintilla of joi de vivre without her. 

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Some quick random thoughts~

It’s fitting that Chris Daughtry and his grunge-lite band were musical guests this week, as it was this fateful night three years ago where he succumbed to Ice Queen Katharine McPhee’s ascension and just missed a Top 3 hierarchy.  I hope his uber-success is a foreshadowing for Allison’s fate.  If ever an Idol Top 5 finisher deserves a relished career, it is she. 

Speaking of Daughtry, perhaps he should have taken back “Renegade” from Kris and Danny rather than sing his sterile new single, “No Surprise”; with it’s prophetic title, the song sounds derivative of his debut, which, in reality was watered-down Nickelback who are, historically, a welfare Nirvana, who I’m sure Chris grew up on wanting to be.  Full circle.  No surprise.

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Oh, by the way Idol producers, here’s some news for you.  Season 5’s third place finisher, Melinda Doolittle – remember her?  The artist who should have walked away victor that year? – has a resplendent, brilliant new CD called “Coming Back To You” and it’s the ONLY Idol CD  EVER released that is wholly listenable from first track to last.  Was her invite lost in the mail?  Did Kellie Pickler hijack it on her way to her plastic surgeon?  I mean, what will it take to get this monumental talent on that Idol stage?  Here’s a quick study for your consideration:

 

 

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While I was thrilled there wasn’t a Harajuku nymphet (or an Akon) in sight I must ask if we really need a No Doubt reunion in 2009?  Didn’t we tire of their pseudo Ska-Meets-Mtv affect years ago? And just how does a female singer become a caricature of one’s self so quickly?

Well, we can ask Paula Abdul.  Happy she’s finally free of her PAINKILLER ADDICTION (which explains her new-found clarity), for the first time in 8 seasons she gets to “perform” (lip-synced Tuesday evening) her new single “I’m Just Here For The Music”, and with it’s chintzy melody and primitive choreography, it’s obvious that Abdul wants us to party like it’s 19…uh…89. 

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Once again, the sit down interview with the remaining four became the Danny Gokey show, as Idol allowed this vainglorious buffoon to renege his whole “I don’t think it was bad” spiel after Tuesday’s negative feedback by assuring his bible-thumping sheep that (har har) he gets the joke and (har har) even his family muted the TV (har har) and that when he listened back he laughed and laughed (har har). 

So, with Allison’s dismissal, a Rock N’ Roll final is a mere pipe dream.  Adam, Danny and Kris create Idol’s first ever all-male triumvirate.  No theme was announced for next that I heard, but I missed the last 30 seconds or so of the show.

But as the old adage says, payback’s a bitch.  I say Adam should sing “Dream On”.  (Har har Gokey).

 

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Click on the pic of Jim’s Gokey possession for his latest “Idol in :60″:

 

 

 

AI Top 4 Rock Night: Guns N’ Poseurs (Part 2)

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I know, that was quick. My LAST POST suggested that I wouldn’t have time to review all of the performances due to my cable mishap, but I decided that, instead of working through lunch time, I’d actually take some time for myself and catch up thanx to Rickey and MJ and their seminal Idol sites.

There were so many infuriating Idol moments that occurred last night that I could spend the next few hours screaming louder than Danny’s cat-boiling “Dream On” wail heard round the globe instead of admitting that it was, all things considered, great TV!

I can spend time laughing at Kara preferring Danny to choose “earlier” Aerosmith (“Dream On” is as early as Aerosmith as you can get as it’s their first single from their debut album) then citing comeback hits “Crazy” and “Cryin’”.  I can throw my Jenny Craig fajita at my computer screen when the judges excused the genrefor Gokey’s performance and NOT the cacophonous gobbledygook that spewed out of his mouth.  I could run in the streets and scream forever more at Simon’s Allison attacks.  I could…I could…

…oh, why bother?  Let’s just get to the point.   I promise this will be as succint as possible~

****

Adam Lambert
Song: Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”
Grade: A

 

I had to laugh when, after a blistering Zep cover, Randy told Adam he should make a record with Slash – I mean, he sorta did, and it was called “Appetite For Destruction”. But I digress (about 20 years…); Lambert possesses a wider range than even the great Axl did, but even with no walls confining hard rock vastness, Adam forgoes most of his stagey trickery while delivering like a Rock N’ Roll veteran. His “Whole Lotta Love” was everything it was supposed to be and a little less – a loud, bombastic, posturing, swaggering, blues/rock-infused assault on the senses, yet peculiarly restraint of his usual stage calisthenics.  Still, somewhere, Robert Plant is smiling. He’s probably also hysterically laughing at the thought of Adam swooning, “Way down inside, woman…” and “I wanna give you every inch of my love…”

****

Allison Iraheta
Song: Janis Joplin’s “Crybaby”
Grade: A-

 

Let’s be perfectly clear here. It is never, ever safe to even attempt Janis Joplin unless you have the musical balls to back up the over-sized audacity. And I can’t recall when I’ve heard an amateur so powerfully convey Joplin’s yearning so convincingly. It’s easy to negate the performance following Lambert’s, but that’s not only unfair, it’s unjust.   This was not a “copycat” rendition at all, but imperfect yet electric, and, to stupidly suggest that she should have chosen “Piece of My Heart” would have merely been fodder for Kelly Clarkson comparisons. 

****

First Duet:
Danny & Kris
Song: Styx’s “Renegade”
Grade: C+

 

In one of this season’s most awkward scenarios, Idol marries Kris’ folk rock proclivities with Gokey’s faux white-boy Gospel blues in an attempt at another twist in a precarious season. Last time we heard this Styx number was when Chris Daughtry gave a dynamic performance during the two-song Top 5 back in season 5.  If you listen closely, their disparate voices blended well enough harmonically, but as each took his turn at a solo, their chemistry-free antics were lost in a maze of confusion, as their attempts to out-sing and out-riff the other coagulated into chaos and disorder.   However, in his never-ending quest for the finale of his wet dreams, Simon INCORRECTLY stunts Kris by declaring that Danny sang better.

****

Kris Allen
Song: Beatles’ “Come Together”
Grade: B+

 

This wasn’t Kris’ weakest turn-at-bat despite the dimwitted judges rants, and while it lacked his usual flair for his smooth supple tones, his invoking certain melodic liberties induced a creativity that was conveniently overlooked by the judges, (who continually carp about ‘originality’) in the  most obviously original vocal of the evening.  But perhaps, knowing the not-so-hidden agenda of TPTB, Allen decided to just entertain.  And, haters be damned, he did.

****

Danny Gokey
Song: Aerosmith’s “Dream On”
Grade: F

 

If Danny Gokey wants to wobble around the stage like a mini-Good Year blimp juiced on Kentucky Fried Chicken instead of butane, or applaud his own performances (as he did again tonight), that’s his prerogative. But no one, including the Lords of Idol, can expect anyone with an IQ of a snare drum to believe that this bifocal yokel could emulate anything approximating a rock singer.   Descending in defeat of his own mammoth ego, he gurgles the opening refrains (as is his metier) and as he heaved toward the finish line, he let out the already-most infamous bellowing in Idol’s history.  It was like watching a zombie drunk on over-the-counter formaldehyde. Raping an electrocuted Abyssinian.  Then eating it.  Conspicuously, while Randy gave Danny an “A+ for a valiant effort”, he neglected to use his chronic apothegm – perhaps, Randy, that even if you CAN sing, you CAN’T sing anything.  

****

Second Duet:
Allison & Adam
Song: Foghat’s “Slow Ride”
Grade: A

 

Wow.  Maybe Rock and roll dreams do come true, after all.

 

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Did Adam’s duet with Allison “save” her from elimination, as Simon dementedly suggested?  Or will Danny finally hear America yell out “THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!!!”  Will Kris succumb to Simon’s bizarre barb and melt into Idol history or will it see its very first very first Top 3 all-male revue? 

And why am I still blabbering about Idol when the work is piling up on my desk?

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