* I promise…

****

I apologize. I am still celebrating.  

It’s been quite the week in Idol’s world since the long delayed – but delicious – departure of Season 8s albatross, and while I appreciate the countless e-mails and comments requesting my recap of the elimination of Gokey, I was too busy dancing in the streets as late as Saturday.  Okay, not really, but the unmitigated joy I felt was palpable.  My feelings for Gokeyhaven’t exactly been hidden under any type of cloak.  My disgust of the monumental pimping, his staggering pomposity, his early – then resurrected – use of his dead wife-as-sympathy, and Christian America’s impressive drive to keep ascend him to the top, was clearly on display for you dear readers. 

Another reason I didn’t recap the elimination episode is because no one has been able to capture the unadulterated joy or the almost organic justice of  the dearly departed Danny than my friend and yours, Jim Cantiello.  His. Best. Recap. Ever.  If you haven’t seen it yet, click his photo below to join the choir:

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But I don’t want to linger on the past, no matter how fundamental the need is to gloat.  Let’s just state that Gokey’s unabashed douchbaggery is still in full throttle mode as he made the post-elimination rounds, pontificating ad nauseum about HIS struggles and woes in a non-stop barrage of verbal diarrhea, continuing to know no self-discipline or humility as he preaches his everlasting love of himself, his wife’s coffin, and his god.  I mean, really, how soon before we’re up at 2am, just jonesing for a midnight snack, when we hear a familiar gruesome growl floating from our televisions, and are strangely drawn in – and on the screen we see throngs of teary-eyed sheep, hands waving to the heavens, singing along to possibly the worst songs you have ever heard… “…Shout to the lord all the earth let us siiiing…” or “…He is exalted the King is exalted on Hiiiigh!” or even “…there is a redeemer, Jesus, God’s own sonnnnnnn!”?  Only to realize that this is notthe latest edition of the umpteenth “Songs of Worship” CD collection, but Contemporary Christian’s newest megastar, Danny Gokey In Concert on the Gospel channel, which you inadvertently tuned into while sitting on the remote? 

And keeping in-line with that daffy zealotry, here’s a clip of Gokey professing his love of Michael Sarver (fellow castoff and preacher) – at first, he confuses himself, “I love this boy to…pieces…in a (pauses)..in the RIGHTw…”  But Sarver quickly interjects that it’s in “a GODLYway”, of course, to a relieved Gokey, lest anyone think they’re, ya know, Lambert-loving fags (regardless of the fact that Gokey’s lisp is more prodigious than Clay Aiken’s). Watch the buffoonery at around the 49 second mark:

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Going into tonight’s showcase, one couldn’t help but feel the juxtaposition of joy and excitement, and elated anxiety.  That Adam and Kris genuinely like each other only adds to that joviality.  It’s akin to the David V. David of last year – two talented, albeit singular, vocalists whose sense of artistry (hey Kara, I used that term last year, so if you’re back next season, pick a new catchphrase) and obvious affection for one another begot a showdown that was more brotherly love than battle-to-the-death.

Despite Lambert’s and Allen’s obvious aesthetic differences, these two showmen share an unlikely camaraderie.  Roommates during their long Idol tenure, there seems to be (anomaly or not) an unlikely friendship that’s made up of the disparate parts of Adam (openly gay big city theatre-queen-cum-pop-Emo wailer with a voice like a bursting nova mixed with quieting passion) and Kris (low-key small-town married preacher with a smile that sends shivers down the spines of little girls – and lots of boys, too – and cool and supple, flexible vocals, and unlimited arrangement skills that all add to his charm). 

This pairing is no freak show showdown on par with Justin/Kelly or Fantasia/Diana or Bo/Carrie (sorry, folks, based on week-to-week performance, Bo should have taken the crown) or Jordin/Blake – where talented singers managed to find themselves in the finals with novice curios.  And it’s definitely not another case of Taylor/Katharine or Ruben/Clay (or again Jordin/Blake), where the Top 2 were almost weekly out sung by the purged Top 3 finisher.  Nope, in Lambert and Allen we share in the outright joy of watching two amateurs blossom based on their abilities. And that’s an Idol rarity.

It all boils down to this – if you can forgive the cliché:  it doesn’t matter who wins, because for the second time in as many years you can actually say, in no uncertain terms, they are both already stars – and I mean that in the most monetarily of ways, because love or loathe them, success is assured to both.

But it IS a contest, and one has to win.  Who will it be?  I say forget the coronation song (co-written by Kara and performed weakly by both Idols) and judge on the merit of their other performances. 

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 Round One: Idol’s Personal Favorite Of The Season
Adam: Tears for Fears’ (a la Gary Jules) “Mad World”
Grade: B+
Kris: Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine”
Grade: A-

I’ve never been the fan of this oft-used category during the finals because the ol’ cliché “You can’t go home again” rings true for a reason. It’s always probable that the Idol will reprise their greatest moment, usually to anticlimactic circumstances. Lambert’s original “Mad World” was so transcendent and so emotionally cathartic (he might have been singing the lyrics as if telling his own life story) that his replay this evening had no choice of being anything other than what it was – a flawlessly sung, less psychologically impactful redo of one of his (many) great Idol moments. 

On the other hand, Kris almost outdid his original performance by choosing not to sing his greatest Idol moment, “Falling Slowly”.  Deciding on “Ain’t No Sunshine” allowed him to refine it for a diverse interpretation. Utilizing the full orchestra in lieu of an on-stage string quartet (as it was done), with his deft piano skills, there was a not-so-subtle urgency in this reading that allowed the song to rock out a little more than his Top 9 more plaintive approach.  

****

Round Two: Simon Fuller’s Choice
Adam: Sam Cook’s “A Change Is Gonna Come”
Grade: A
Kris: Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On”
Grade: A-

Season 8 might have been permeated with “worship leaders” galore (Michael Sarver, Gokey and Allen were/are all local pastors) but leave it to the gay New York Jew to bring Idol to church. Lambert soared and to hear him jolt a gospel flair he’s rarely displayed was invigorating. To complain about Adam’s explicit dramatics is ridiculous, as this is a Sam Cook standard that has been vocally flourished by greats like Patti LaBelle (whose version Adam has apparently heard, based on his performance).  This is exactly the piece of music where all the stops should be pulled, as long as it doesn’t thwart the message.  Lambert was intense, emotional, liberating and fierce all rolled into one. Simon, this is a vocal master class. 

I totally disagree with the judges’ dismissal of Kris’ “What’s Going On” – mainly Simon’s “three guys in a bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye”.  I’d love to see his critique of, say, Pearl Jam’s “Unplugged” episode.  And while I usually take no heed  in Randy’s idiocy, if the choice of song was “too lite for the big ol’ room” then blame goes to Fuller, not Allen.  That’s a moot point because when an Idol gets multiple turns at the mic, better to display a range of emotions, you should want them to mix it up.  Not only was this sung with passion and vigor and absolute comprehension of lyrical content, but it was a great acoustical jam. 

****

Round Three: Coronation Song “No Boundaries”
Adam: B-
Kris: B-

If you’re going to have the balls, as an Idol judge, to co-pen this year’s Idol coronation song, you should at the very least try to imbue some of your million dollar skills.  DioGuardi might not be Diane Warren (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you compare bank accounts), but she did write/co-write some recent hook-laden hit songs such as Pink’s “Sober”, Kelly Clarkson’s “I Do Not Hook Up”, Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” and Celine Dion’s “Taking Chances” (originally sung by Kara herself on her defunct band’s Platinum Weird CD).   

Unfortunately, neither Adam nor Kris was able to instill a scintilla of their persona into it, as each meandered, clueless of its peripatetic melody, with Allen suffering worse as he could have benefited from a step-lowered key change. Though it suits Adam better (it could have been on Cher’s comeback CD of 1987), even his vocal pyrotechnics couldn’t spark this dud. Nope, “No Boundaries” takes its place amongst as the most dismal and tuneless of all Idol victory songs.  And that’s a hefty canon.  (Thankfully, Allison wasn’t on stage, forced to sing such drivel).

****

Carrie Underwood
Song: “Motley Crue’s “Home Sweet Home”
Grade: C

Told ya Bo should have won.

****

So, this is the end, beautiful friend (wow, imagine a Jim Morrison/Doors theme week!).  As the night closes and the voters vote, it’s now less than 24 hours until we learn who wears this year’s crown.

If Allison’s votes went to Adam and knocked Gokey out of the finale, will Gokey’s Christian congregation cast the deciding factor for fellow pastor Kris?  Or will Adam’s juggernaut result in the near-universal predictions that have saturated the landscape for months?

And – be it Adam or Kris – will we have to hear “No Boundaries” again?!

****

Tatiana says, “You can go higher, you can go deeper, there are NO BOUNDARIES, above and beneath you…”

****

****

I know it might be too much to ask, but I must.  For the sake of our sanity, for our well-being, for our overall stability.  Dear readers, we need to try, like all good post-modernists…I implore thee…just try, with all the inner strength we can muster…all the power we can emanate.  Last week’s tragic Allison elimination was and is hard on us all, I know.  But. We. Must. Move. On. 

Perchance, if we believe in the forces of mythology (or voodoo – or Christendom or Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy or Santeria…oh, it’s all the same) then we can convince ourselves it was God’s will!  YES!  Maybe He destined his messenger-on-earth to rattle His dominions to hold prayer meetings and voting block parties to disallow the sinners to ascend to the mighty stairway to the top (of Idol, that is).  Yea, so I walk through the valley of….oh, you get it.  Those jovial religious freaks!  They are such a hoot!  They love them some Gokey!  But, I pontificate, non-believer that I am.  And it’s not really fair to blame Gokey’s religious zealotry on his status.  After all, Kris himself is also a ‘worship leader’, although he doesn’t whore it like Danny.

Again, pontificating.  Sorry, long day at work, long night at home, and I’m exhausted.  And this lackadaisical Top 3 edition of Idol wasn’t what I expected.  With one choice in KRaPSs hand and one in their own, I expected a thriller of an evening.  What I received was a bummer. With one – count ‘em – ONE performance that came close to a home-run, it’s ironic that Simon took every pre-Top 3 performance interview opportunity to claim Kris out-of-league to Lambert and Gokey.  Guess whose home-run it was?

Randy proclaimed this evening that Lambert was one of the best singers in Idol’s history, and while I’ll concur that sentiment, this remained his weakest night, while Gokey’s sturm und drang revue was in full bloom.

Despite an uninspiring evening, it’s gonna be tight, folks.  Though it clearly shouldn’t be.

****

Danny Gokey
Paula’s Choice: Terence Trent D’Arby’s “Dance Little Sister”
Grade: C+
His Choice: Joe Cocker’s “You Are So Beautiful”
Grade: B-

If one didn’t know Paula’s history better, one might have raised an eyebrow with her choice of an obstruse Terence Trent D’Arby track for Gokey (ironic song title since he’s about as funky as a platypus) – she was the judge, after all, who in season 5 chose the obscure Bobby Caldwell track ”What You Won’t Do For Love” for Elliott, and The Police’s “Roxanne” for a rangeless Blake Lewis in season 6.  Could one surmise that it was a secret desire by Abdul to blow Gokey’s chance for a deserved Allen/Lambert finale?  Well, I doubt that.  This was the judge, after all (oh, deja vu!), who weeks ago “predicted” a Gokey Top 2 finish.  His grooveless, inept performance notwithstanding. 

To me, Gokey will always be the retarded little offspring of Taylor Hicks (whom I’ve compared him to since January) and Beelzebub-by-way-of-Linda Blair, so how apropos that his choice would be the same that Randy hand-picked for Hicks in Hicks’ finest season 5 Idol moment.  Where Hicks’ version was reflective and subdued, Danny sadly morphed a lovely ballad into a clunky, clammy snarl.  Thankfully, he refrained from his wobbly stage persona and mostly remained seated but when he inculcated a tinge of mucilage gospel, it was a Maalox moment.  When Simon added to his already season-heavy malapropisms by stating it a “vocal master class”, it was Depends all the way.

****

Kris Allen
Randy/Kara’s Choice: OneRepublic’s “Apologize”
Grade: B-
His Choice: Kanye West’s “Heartless”
Grade:  A-

“Apologize” was chosen by Kara and Randy because it was “Open for interpretation”, and while Kris is infinitely superior to Ryan Tedder and his monstrous OneRepublic (meet the new Air Supply, same as the old Air Supply), this remains his clunkiest performance of the season (especially taking into consideration that almost exactly one year ago, David Archuleta came out and embarrassed the hell out of Tedder by out-performing Tedder on his own song on their finale-show duet).  He misses the power falsetto (so does Tedder live – YouTube the aforementioned duet. Pro-tools is a dream for his tuneless ilk) and his wavering voice showcased a fear and discomfort away from his element. 

However, a monumental debacle and auto-tuned nightmare that happened right on the Idol stage a mere few weeks ago by Kanye West himself begot the best performance of the evening.  Borrowing from The Fray’s eclectic West cover, Kris decimated the memory of his first song, jamming ”Heartless” up in a soaring performance.   He proved that, even more than Lambert – and obviously more than Gokey, he’s the more commercially viable of this years top 3.

****

Adam Lambert
Simon’s Choice: U2’s “One”
Grade: B
His Choice: Aerosmith’s “Cryin”
Grade: B

Simon’s choice of U2s “One” – one of the great rock anthems of all time – was a bold move which was, unfortunately – and despite the judges unanimous exaltation – executed disparately.  A poetic, painful lyric of an AIDS-stricken man’s dying confessional to his father, Lambert’s plaintive, beautiful opening was infused with a passionate yearning.  But by slipping into the meretricious, indulgent vocal melodramatics, it quickly became an imbalance of reticent and hysteria, which negated the lyrical redemption and overall beauty of the song.  

Following last week’s show, I jokingly suggested that Adam show Danny how it’s done and should choose “Dream On” for this evening’s festivities. Almost sweet justice.  I’d accuse Lambert of deliberately face-slapping Gokey with his choice of (not-early Aerosmith, Kara) “Cryin’” if he weren’t so damned humble and gracious, calling out Allen’s and Gokey’s talent in Idol solidarity.  Sometimes vocal pyrotechnics are almost mandatory, especially if attempting Steven Tyler’s legendary howl (note to Gokey: NOT YOU).  Still, Lambert has rarely seemed so cold and calculated as his recital tonight.  I won’t claim haughtiness, because I sense nil, but with both “One” and “Cryin’” I don’t sense the Rock-star-in-waiting that the judges foresee. Clearly the best vocalist left standing – and the best male Idol vocalist of its history – tonight it felt more like non-stop erratic cabaret.

****

And so it goes.  The final performance show before another season winds down with next week’s finale.  Will it be Lambert/Gokey (yep)?  Or will the Kris brigades assure us a more justifiable showdown (nope)? 

Who knows.  All I know is I’m missing her big time.

*lyric from Elvis Costello’s “Alison”

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It could have been Hurricane Katrina, Brooklyn style, here at home this evening, as my partner Rob’s tears flowed like torrents and I sat pensively staring at the TV (Hey, I don’t cry.  Unless I’m watching “The Color Purple”.  Or “E.T.” Oh, screw it.  I blubber with the best of them) knowing this was the probable conclusion.  Through the gasps of breath and the swallowing of words, Rob stated, forlornly and bittersweetly, “Of all the nights! Rock week! She was rockiest of them all!!!”  And who am I to disagree? Rather who would I be if I disagreed?  Not the true fan of Allison that I am.  No journey moved me more than this spitfire’s from Los Angeles.  With no grassroots fundamentalist campaign or sad-sack back story, no dead relatives, and no Jesus complex, she relied solely on raw talent and an undeniable force of will, and proved – beyond a shadow of any doubt – that she stands as the greatest teen Idol of all 8 seasons. 

Witnessing her exit performance of “Cry Baby” was like watching pre-Disney, post-bathhouse Bette Midler, a 17-year-old force-of-nature spelunking the nadir of her soul while tearing the mother-effin’ roof off the joint in a more scorching tour de force than any teen has the right to possess.  They tried to pigeonhole her as a Rock goddess (I concur) but she proved just as agile with any genre they tossed in the ring, singing rings around just about any Top 36 contestant.  Her ”likeability” always questioned, she was the only endearingly authentic persona on that stage.  She was randomly ridiculed for her fashion sense, but what 16-going-on-17-year old is a seasoned fashionista?  No, Allison was that clichéd “real deal”.  I know there’re only two weeks left, but Idol will be missing more than a scintilla of joi de vivre without her. 

****

Some quick random thoughts~

It’s fitting that Chris Daughtry and his grunge-lite band were musical guests this week, as it was this fateful night three years ago where he succumbed to Ice Queen Katharine McPhee’s ascension and just missed a Top 3 hierarchy.  I hope his uber-success is a foreshadowing for Allison’s fate.  If ever an Idol Top 5 finisher deserves a relished career, it is she. 

Speaking of Daughtry, perhaps he should have taken back “Renegade” from Kris and Danny rather than sing his sterile new single, “No Surprise”; with it’s prophetic title, the song sounds derivative of his debut, which, in reality was watered-down Nickelback who are, historically, a welfare Nirvana, who I’m sure Chris grew up on wanting to be.  Full circle.  No surprise.

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Oh, by the way Idol producers, here’s some news for you.  Season 5’s third place finisher, Melinda Doolittle – remember her?  The artist who should have walked away victor that year? – has a resplendent, brilliant new CD called “Coming Back To You” and it’s the ONLY Idol CD  EVER released that is wholly listenable from first track to last.  Was her invite lost in the mail?  Did Kellie Pickler hijack it on her way to her plastic surgeon?  I mean, what will it take to get this monumental talent on that Idol stage?  Here’s a quick study for your consideration:

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While I was thrilled there wasn’t a Harajuku nymphet (or an Akon) in sight I must ask if we really need a No Doubt reunion in 2009?  Didn’t we tire of their pseudo Ska-Meets-Mtv affect years ago? And just how does a female singer become a caricature of one’s self so quickly?

Well, we can ask Paula Abdul.  Happy she’s finally free of her PAINKILLER ADDICTION (which explains her new-found clarity), for the first time in 8 seasons she gets to “perform” (lip-synced Tuesday evening) her new single “I’m Just Here For The Music”, and with it’s chintzy melody and primitive choreography, it’s obvious that Abdul wants us to party like it’s 19…uh…89. 

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Once again, the sit down interview with the remaining four became the Danny Gokey show, as Idol allowed this vainglorious buffoon to renege his whole “I don’t think it was bad” spiel after Tuesday’s negative feedback by assuring his bible-thumping sheep that (har har) he gets the joke and (har har) even his family muted the TV (har har) and that when he listened back he laughed and laughed (har har). 

So, with Allison’s dismissal, a Rock N’ Roll final is a mere pipe dream.  Adam, Danny and Kris create Idol’s first ever all-male triumvirate.  No theme was announced for next that I heard, but I missed the last 30 seconds or so of the show.

But as the old adage says, payback’s a bitch.  I say Adam should sing “Dream On”.  (Har har Gokey).

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Click on the pic of Jim’s Gokey possession for his latest “Idol in :60″:

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I know, that was quick. My LAST POST suggested that I wouldn’t have time to review all of the performances due to my cable mishap, but I decided that, instead of working through lunch time, I’d actually take some time for myself and catch up thanx to Rickey and MJ and their seminal Idol sites.

There were so many infuriating Idol moments that occurred last night that I could spend the next few hours screaming louder than Danny’s cat-boiling “Dream On” wail heard round the globe instead of admitting that it was, all things considered, great TV!

I can spend time laughing at Kara preferring Danny to choose “earlier” Aerosmith (“Dream On” is as early as Aerosmith as you can get as it’s their first single from their debut album) then citing comeback hits “Crazy” and “Cryin’”.  I can throw my Jenny Craig fajita at my computer screen when the judges excused the genrefor Gokey’s performance and NOT the cacophonous gobbledygook that spewed out of his mouth.  I could run in the streets and scream forever more at Simon’s Allison attacks.  I could…I could…

…oh, why bother?  Let’s just get to the point.   I promise this will be as succint as possible~

****

Adam Lambert
Song: Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”
Grade: A

I had to laugh when, after a blistering Zep cover, Randy told Adam he should make a record with Slash – I mean, he sorta did, and it was called “Appetite For Destruction”. But I digress (about 20 years…); Lambert possesses a wider range than even the great Axl did, but even with no walls confining hard rock vastness, Adam forgoes most of his stagey trickery while delivering like a Rock N’ Roll veteran. His “Whole Lotta Love” was everything it was supposed to be and a little less – a loud, bombastic, posturing, swaggering, blues/rock-infused assault on the senses, yet peculiarly restraint of his usual stage calisthenics.  Still, somewhere, Robert Plant is smiling. He’s probably also hysterically laughing at the thought of Adam swooning, “Way down inside, woman…” and “I wanna give you every inch of my love…”

****

Allison Iraheta
Song: Janis Joplin’s “Crybaby”
Grade: A-

Let’s be perfectly clear here. It is never, ever safe to even attempt Janis Joplin unless you have the musical balls to back up the over-sized audacity. And I can’t recall when I’ve heard an amateur so powerfully convey Joplin’s yearning so convincingly. It’s easy to negate the performance following Lambert’s, but that’s not only unfair, it’s unjust.   This was not a “copycat” rendition at all, but imperfect yet electric, and, to stupidly suggest that she should have chosen “Piece of My Heart” would have merely been fodder for Kelly Clarkson comparisons. 

****

First Duet:
Danny & Kris
Song: Styx’s “Renegade”
Grade: C+

In one of this season’s most awkward scenarios, Idol marries Kris’ folk rock proclivities with Gokey’s faux white-boy Gospel blues in an attempt at another twist in a precarious season. Last time we heard this Styx number was when Chris Daughtry gave a dynamic performance during the two-song Top 5 back in season 5.  If you listen closely, their disparate voices blended well enough harmonically, but as each took his turn at a solo, their chemistry-free antics were lost in a maze of confusion, as their attempts to out-sing and out-riff the other coagulated into chaos and disorder.   However, in his never-ending quest for the finale of his wet dreams, Simon INCORRECTLY stunts Kris by declaring that Danny sang better.

****

Kris Allen
Song: Beatles’ “Come Together”
Grade: B+

This wasn’t Kris’ weakest turn-at-bat despite the dimwitted judges rants, and while it lacked his usual flair for his smooth supple tones, his invoking certain melodic liberties induced a creativity that was conveniently overlooked by the judges, (who continually carp about ‘originality’) in the  most obviously original vocal of the evening.  But perhaps, knowing the not-so-hidden agenda of TPTB, Allen decided to just entertain.  And, haters be damned, he did.

****

Danny Gokey
Song: Aerosmith’s “Dream On”
Grade: F

If Danny Gokey wants to wobble around the stage like a mini-Good Year blimp juiced on Kentucky Fried Chicken instead of butane, or applaud his own performances (as he did again tonight), that’s his prerogative. But no one, including the Lords of Idol, can expect anyone with an IQ of a snare drum to believe that this bifocal yokel could emulate anything approximating a rock singer.   Descending in defeat of his own mammoth ego, he gurgles the opening refrains (as is his metier) and as he heaved toward the finish line, he let out the already-most infamous bellowing in Idol’s history.  It was like watching a zombie drunk on over-the-counter formaldehyde. Raping an electrocuted Abyssinian.  Then eating it.  Conspicuously, while Randy gave Danny an “A+ for a valiant effort”, he neglected to use his chronic apothegm – perhaps, Randy, that even if you CAN sing, you CAN’T sing anything.  

****

Second Duet:
Allison & Adam
Song: Foghat’s “Slow Ride”
Grade: A

Wow.  Maybe Rock and roll dreams do come true, after all.

****

Did Adam’s duet with Allison “save” her from elimination, as Simon dementedly suggested?  Or will Danny finally hear America yell out “THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES!!!”  Will Kris succumb to Simon’s bizarre barb and melt into Idol history or will it see its very first very first Top 3 all-male revue? 

And why am I still blabbering about Idol when the work is piling up on my desk?

****

Something is amiss with my cable box tonight…so, sadly there is no REPORT CARD this evening.  I watched sporadically, as my DVR seemingly had a mind of its own and recorded what it wanted when it wanted.  Or just decided to stop recording altogether. Because of this, I don’t think it’s fair to critique without watching each performance again.

As most of my faithful readers know, I rarely give an informed opinion after a single live viewing.  So, once I am able to watch each Idol again and soak it all in, I’ll post and let you know…I understand that a Wednesday morning without the Report Card is a little less sunshine in your day, but as always, I appreciate your patience.

In the meantime:

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With all of season 8s anomalous guest mentors, the resurgence of former Idols and the onslaught of guest performers Idol has thrust upon us this season, I was resolute that, at any given moment in tonight’s telecast, Ashton Kutcher was going to crawl from underneath the judges console to let America know it’s just been Punk’d. Is there a more logical raison d’être, because I’m not sure exactly what happened – in the most colossal bombshell of the year so far, not only was Adam Lambert plopped into the bottom 3, he plummeted into the bottom 2! OH MY GOD!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!

Okay, okay…unlike Adam himself, I’ll stop the histrionics. Once Kris was affirmed safe and Adam stood on stage with Matt, I could almost hear America’s collective sigh of relief. There certainly was a few at my home.

But, what in the name of Gokey’s wife was Adam thinking? What is THIS that has reared its unfortunate head? Where did this sudden lack of modesty come from and how will America deal with it moving forward?

In an unprecedented display of arrogance never exposed before, when Seacrest (after dividing Matt and Danny, then Kris and Allison) asked Lambert which group he thinks be belongs to, Adam, assuming he was safe, remarked, “I love everybody…why did you do this to me…based on last night? Probably that group!” and he waltzed over to Allison/Danny. I surmise he didn’t heed the words of wisdom I bestowed upon Anoop a few weeks back – curiosity didn’t kill the cat…it was overconfidence – because it was not only tacky to really choose, but he chose the wrong side. Allison and Danny are safe and to a flabbergasted audience, Seacrest pulled Adam next to Matt and Kris for this week’s genuine bottom 3.

That Adam has demonstrated nothing but humility all season long negates this fleeting arrogance as merely naïve, as I’m sure it was inadvertent on his part (Lambert is the one Idol who would be somewhat justified to boast so haughtily, but he’s taken all his praise with meekness). While that might (or might not) be true, it does indicate that he was uneducated about Idol’s past, as history seemed to repeat itself tonight; the last Idol to actually choose a side when asked by Ryan ALSO naively chose erroneously, and that was George Huff in season 3 on that infamous evening when Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and LaToya London scandalously found themselves in the bottom 3 (while the likes of Jasmine Trias and John Stevens – along with Huff and Diana DeGarmo – escaped unscathed) resulting in Hudson’s ejection. Every season proceeding this dark day in Idolwood, when an Idol was propelled into this same precarious, uncomfortable (and scripted) position, they either refused to partake in the evil game, or as in the case of Bo’s season 4 archetype, they merely sat center stage in a defiant display of solidarity. Arrogance is a bitch, Adam. Be careful.

Update:  Reader Shanon wrote to correct my lack of memory.  Says she:

You are incorrect, sir. The last person who actually chose a group was Taylor Hicks, who walked right over to shake the hand of Chris Daughtry. And yes, it was the wrong choice.

Thanx for the info, Shanon!

****

Back peddling is a motif not often exercised by Simon, so it had me tittering a little that he reversed his negativity by stating that, after re-viewing last night’s showdown, “Everyone was good”. I wonder if that was candor or a way to circumvent the universal ire he surely must have sensed after his attempt to sabotage Allison’s golden performance of “Someone To Watch Over Me” or even Kris’ “The Way You Look Tonight”. And while we’re on the subject of incapacitation, I myself stand by Kris’ grade, which many readers thought was too lenient. His arrangement of “The Way You Look Tonight” might have been somewhat naïve (I mean, this is the same kid who pondered who the mentor could possibly be because, you know, the Rat Pack are all, well, dead), but his passion overrode the inconsistencies.

But there’s still no explicable rational for Simon’s tin-eared appraisal of Matt’s tottering “My Funny Valentine”. To paraphrase my friend Charles’ 2am ranting, any fool who attempts “Valentine” after Melinda Doolittle’s season 6 definitive classic will suffer the same wrath as the ignoramus who undertakes the forbidden echelon of Fantasia’s “Summertime”. The latter hasn’t happened yet, so let Matt be a lesson learned for both.

****

In retrospect, I wonder if Adam was genuinely one of the two lowest vote-getters. After all, Ryan never used the phrase “this is your bottom 2″. He stated “So we are left with Matt and Adam. One of them is leaving the competition tonight”. But I’ll leave that debate to the Idol conspiracy theorists. I’m not so sure I’ll argue with the results. Just because it’s a rarity, doesn’t mean that front-runners can’t occasionally falter. Once again, one need only to look toward the great Fantasia, who had her share of bottom three nights.

As I mentioned yesterday and Ryan reiterated tonight, next week’s theme is Rock And Roll, which is as scopic as themes can get – pretty much everything falls under that banner. We could assume each Idol will perform two selections each, so I can only lick my lips in anticipation at just what Adam and Allison will enthrall us with. Will Kris sparkle or will his light once again be dimmed? As fate often subscribes, just when I have a scintilla of hope for a more reserved, tuneful Gokey (I know, it’s a foolish ideal based on a minute and a half out of 10 weeks), along comes Rock to roll it all away.

****

Oh, just for the hell of it:

****

Seriously, I peed myself a little – click on the panicked Jim’s pic for the most hilarious Idol in :60 yet~

]]> http://americanidolreportcard.wordpress.com/2009/04/30/ai-top-5-results-third-or-fourth-times-not-so-charming-for-matt/feed/ 17 jeffreychrist http://americanidolreportcard.wordpress.com/2009/04/29/ai-report-card-top-5-the-leaders-of-the-rat-pack/ http://americanidolreportcard.wordpress.com/2009/04/29/ai-report-card-top-5-the-leaders-of-the-rat-pack/#comments Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:57:21 +0000 jeffreychrist http://americanidolreportcard.com/?p=606 ]]>

****

I won’t harp ad nauseum as I usually am apt to do, but let it suffice to say that I have no choice but to be content with the remaining 5 weeks – even with the mounting frustration of watching infinitely more talented Idols fall to the wayside as Danny Gokey disgorges his way toward the sure-to-be most disparate finals of them all (hyperbole aside, I can’t recall such polar vocal opposites as his and Adam’s).  And who do I cast these poison-filled aspersions toward…?

“OFF WITH SIMON’S HEAD!” I say!  Relax, I meant figuratively.  But the man has either lost his mind or really wants to save his already-crimson face.  Last week I stated that he’s lost his Lil by weeks – he’ll be damned if he loses his Danny too.  By negating two of the night’s better vocals, Simon is trying his damnedest for his oft-quoted Adam Vs. Danny final.  He’s reported as much to various news outlets this week and to solidify his waning credibility, he’ll sabotage anyone in his path.  Shame on him.

****

When the theme was announced, the Internet Idol world was abuzz on the automatic disadvantage for Allison, as it’s a testosterone-heavy compendium. “Rat Pack Standards”, as I wrote last week, was as stupid and vague a theme as Idol ever announced. One conjures images of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop cavorting in Vegas in one of their misogynistic, homophobic, racist, politically incorrect revues to a white audience circa 1960. But this Rat Pack wasn’t a singing group, per se. Sure, Sinatra, Martin and Davis were legendary performers/vocalists, but only as individuals did they cement any chart successes.

To state it matter-of-factly – there is no such thing as “Rat Pack Standards”!

Amalgamated, the “Rat Pack” were basically cover artists, incorporating already-established standards/classics to their repertoire (usually their own signature songs). They weren’t the Beatles – they didn’t standardize any particular song or even (musical) style. Hence, the “Rat Pack Standards” theme really should have been called “Jazz Standards” or “Jazz Week” or even “Big Band” (as it was so memorably – by Kelly and Tamyra – in season 1 and by Fantasia and LaToya in season 3) but that doesn’t supplicate the hip, cool lapel Idol has always yearned, but never fulfilled.  “Cool” “hip” and “American Idol” just aren’t tags that could seriously be used in the same sentence. But it’s what caused initial alarm for Allison and whether or not it was a dire warning, well, you’ll just have to read below!

****

What exactly Jamie Foxx has to do with the Rat Pack is anyone’s guess. His musical output owes more to mass-market Top 40 Hip Hop-influenced R&B, but he is a classically trained pianist, and he won an Oscar lip-syncing to Jazz legend Ray Charles, plus he has a new film to promote – and that’s close enough for a mentor in Idol’s eyes.

Historically, the Top 5 have always performed two selections, but even though each Idol will get two phone numbers, it’s going to be a single-choice evening.   Season 8  has been produced and directed in such shambles this that there’s simply no time to display too much singing in what’s supposed to be a singing contest.

****

Kris Allen
Song:  The Way You Look Tonight
Grade:  B+

Kris might be (only partly) right on some deep-rooted level when he intoned – after Foxx nearly wet himself in exaltation – that he ‘doesn’t measure up vocally’ to his Idol compatriots, but what he might or might not lack in brute force he makes up with elucidation.  He could have coasted this season on his crystalline boy-band good looks juxtaposed with wan performances and  allowed the ovaries of America do the the dialing.  Yet, week after week he’s shown to be a solid vocalist, an interesting interpreter and a fine arranger, actually allowing his innate abilities to overshadow his beauty, which in itself is a rarity in Idol’s world.  Despite Simon’s bizarre de-pimping (“I don’t get the felling tonight that you can win this competition”. WHAT!?!) – Kris did a good enough job with tonight’s theme.  It might have been less-than-polished (with unnecessary falsetto fluttering), but it’s his imperfections that actually spiced up a perfect song and it sparkled.

On a personal level, this song is special to me.  My partner and I celebrated our 7th anniversary (4/28/02) and, like Kismet, we were delighted that Kris chose to sing “our” song on this day, our anniversary.  Kris might not have been “the bomb” tonight, but I take comfort that he didn’t “bomb” on our special night.

****

Allison Iraheta
Song:  Someone To Watch Over Me
Grade: A

Allison was never the most technically proficient singer of the whole Top 13, but since when has technicality equalled aesthetics?  You want robotics, go buy a Carrie Underwood CD.  However, my only quibble with Allison’s vocal agility is her diction.  Her propensity to add an “H” to the beginning of too many words tends to distract from the natural beauty of her instrument  (“Hwatch Hover Me”?).  Yet vocally, Allison contemporized a Jazz standard for the MTV generation.  The arrangement was similar to Katharine McPhee’s from season 5, but unlike McPhee (like Underwood, another Idol android devoid of emotion) Iraheta comprehends the human experience of lyrical substance and displays a dichotomy of yearning and adamancy, desire and nostalgia.  Simon should be publicly caned for flinging her under his million-dollar Limo in another no-holds-barred Danny dick-suckfest.

****

Matt Giruad
Song:  My Funny Valentine
Grade:  C+

In a genre he should have aced on a night he could have flourished, there were so many instances of apprehension in Giraud’s delivery that it painted a clear  indicative of his major vocal faux pas:  lack of confidence.  Was he aware of his inability to navigate through the labyrinthine melody, or did he realize too late that where the vocal should have soared it would instead glide over some pretty rough terrain? And, should we place blame on Giraud’s vocals or his adhering to Foxx’s stilted advice to sing in full voice?  One of the biggest ironies of season 8 is that Giraud’s recorded voice is one of the most stellar.

****

Danny Gokey
Song:  Come Rain Or Come Shine
Grade: B-

When one chooses to interpret a lyric like “Come Rain Or Come Shine”, with its dark innuendo and desperate undertones, it’s probably best not to do so with a Colgate smile.  For the first time this season – or at least the first minute forty seconds of his performance – Gokey seemed to indicate a comprehension of this, as his physicality showcased the hidden connotation of this great Harold Arlen/Johnny Mercer standard.  Why he decided to incorporate his trademark mush-mouthed diatribe for the last verse boggles any logical discernment.  I would have cut him some slack for such a conservative opening, but from his Jesus-like entrance, to his applauding himself, to his thanking the screaming adulators in the audience, to Simon’s anointment,  Gokey’s unctuousness is so soiled with muck and mire that every time I watch him I need to shower the sins away.

On that note, I WILL forever be indebted to Gokey for his restraint – on a night copious with Jazz classics – from dueting with his dead wife on “Unforgettable” ala Natalie Cole.   Not that I wouldn’t put that past him, of course.

****

Adam Lambert
Song:  Feeling Good
Grade:  B+

One could argue that the mighty Idol machine might be in the business of manipulation (no kidding!) with their Lambert lighting alone.  No other contestant is so swathed and bathed in such glorious illuminations on a regular basis than Adam.  It’s an unfair advantage that, say, a Kris or Allison are never bestowed (in such rough economic times, I’d love to see the utility bill for this most profitable TV show of them all) but then again this is Adam’s show to lose.  He’s never dull sonically and his outrageous performance art sets an unprecedented Idol paradigm almost on a weekly basis – his vocals remain nonpareil as he swooped and soared in all his faux-macho posturing – but his variation on Muse’s version (watch it HERE) of this Nina Simone classic was so campy and so outrageously grandiloquent I would’ve placed a bet that Jon Benet Ramsey wasn’t gone after all – she was shipped to Brazil and became Lambert.  And that might not be for the faint of heart.  Me? I have a heart of steel.

****

It would be an injustice if Allison can’t garner enough votes for her finest Idol moment yet.  With next week’s “Rock” theme (with Guns N Roses’ Slash as mentor), it would be a damned shame if she weren’t around to blast into Top 3 territory.

****

The ousting of Anoop and Lil was tardy justice. Remember, folks, that Anoop’s ascension was a glitch due to the “surprise” announcement that 12 would become 13, restructuring Idol’s status quo for the whole season. His insubstantial performances and instinctive arrogance only proved detrimental to anyone who attempted to give this quasi-talent the initial benefit of the doubt.

Lil’s defeat was a thrill to all who never comprehended the over-saturation of praise that was heaped upon her since her ear-curdling “I Will Always Love You” during Hollywood week, which cemented her status as season 8s quota-filling token black diva-in-waiting. It’s an annual tradition in Idol land.

There have been outrageously absurd curios littering Idol for years, but KRaPSs insistence that Lil was a “great singer” when she never proved an above-competent one, even while droning negative feedback, only solidifies their major blunder. They wanted another Fantasia – or Melinda – but what they received was a poor-man’s LaKisha (who, at the very least, was an adequate vocalist who reinforced her Top 10 status amongst the muck-and-mires that were the SciFi season 6 contestants, and at the most gave one classic Idol moment – Bon Jovi week).

I don’t feel the need to express my disgust/fascination with the double-elimination show as a complete entity, with its Paula Abdul disco choreographed number, David Archuleta sadly still not perfecting the art of performance, the hilarious Disco medley (Freda Payne’s “Band Of Gold” was released in 1970. How exactly is this Disco?) etc… when there’s my friend Jim who will brilliantly and hilariously recap it for you. Just click on his picture-is-worth-a-thousand-words photo below~

****

So, this odd chapter ends and we’re down to our Top 5. Next week’s theme – Songs of The Rat Pack – is as stupid and vague as any an Idol theme. Me? Can’t wait!

****

“DISCO IS DEAD!!” Okay, not really. Disco never died, it merely morphed into the New Wave of the early 80s and transgressed into both Hip Hop and what we call “Club Music” today. The now-classic “Saturday Night Fever” saturation of the Pop music landscape begot the backlash, but the “Disco Sucks” and “Death To Disco” sloganeering was more derived from the homophobia and racism of late 70s Rock machinations who feared the testosterone levels in mainstream mass media would be lowered to the new standard of the Village People.

History dictates that this never happened, of course, but Disco-as-moniker suffered for years before its resurgence of respect less than a decade after its ‘official’ demise. Eventually, after such irreverent hostilities subsided, everyone was proud to banner their Disco lapel.

This meandering Readers Digest history aside, the Disco theme on AI indeed did die, years ago. It could never be called a train wreck, really;  it was more akin to the Hindenburg disaster. Season 1 forwent the theme altogether, as it first reared itself in season’s 2 (most gruesomely by Carmen Rasmussen’s “Turn The Beat Around” and Josh Gracin’s “Celebration”, which is really not Disco at all) and 3 (where the ghastly Jasmine Trias butchered “It’s Raining Men” and Fantasia mistook a Bonnie Tyler rock song – “Holding Out For A Hero” – for a Disco anthem). Season 4 spuriously renamed the genre “70s Dance Music” (Constantine croaked his way through “Nights On Broadway” while Carrie Deadwood squalled “MacArthur Park”) but that was cheating and they knew it, and season’s 5 and 7 tossed it again. The closest season 6 got was a Bee Gees Night, or “Songs Written By Barry Gibb”. Historical inaccuracies aside, the Brothers Gibb weren’t really Disco artists anyway.

Which is really my only frustration with tonight’s resurrected theme.  With the possible exception of Lambert’s and Giraud’s choices, none of these song selects should be considered Disco.  Earth Wind & Fire and Chaka Khan were/are classic Soul performers, one Donna Summer cut was a hit post-Disco (1983!), and another from her Rock album “Bad Girls” (with the song winning her a Grammy for Best Rock performance).  Apples and oranges, I guess – Idol has a song list that’s always proved not to be so prodigious.

But what’s that I said?  “Only frustration?” Well, yes really.  In a historical perspective, it was the “best” Disco-themed night of all seasons, which isn’t to say it was a stellar evening of entertainment.  It wasn’t.  Nothing transcended into art (sorry Adam fans! Oh, wait. I’m one!) but we can’t expect weekly epiphanies, now can we?  Can we?

****

Lil Rounds
Song: Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman”
Grade: C+

There is no defense for Lil’s outrageously egregious “I’m Every Woman” – she bayed her way through it like she were a High School choral member invited to perform on the Jerry Lewis Telethon (Chaka is a genius stylist – even Whitney Houston’s was impotent by comparison). But I can understand her solemnity.  To directly quote Idol guru Rickey, “The judges threw her under the bus and then kicked her on the curb and yanked her extensions out with a forklift”. I concur.  What negates KRaPSs critiques is twofold;  first, they appeared to be enjoying Rounds’ performance (clapping along as Paula stood dancing from first note to last.)  Secondly, they’ve complimented her in the past for far worse.  This negative feedback should have been bestowed upon Rounds months ago, instead of allowing her to believe she is the great vocalist she never will be.  What they did tonight was to fortify their desires for Lil-less Top 5.

****

Kris Allen
Song: Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard For The Money”
Grade: A-

Often idiotically misread as a hooker lament (can’t anyone actually hear the lyrics?) Kris takes an early-80s woman’s anthem and embraces it as observer, underscoring the song’s appeal for an understanding of the injustices of the working woman from the male point of view.  That he did so by twisting the arrangement, giving a pristine vocal, and imbuing an acoustic vibe – oh, yeah, and by stealing the night – only makes it more thrilling.

****

Danny Gokey
Song: Earth Wind & Fire’s “September”
Grade: C

It gets exhaustively easy proverbially beating up on this hack.  With his peripatetic grooveless moves, his holier-than-thou smarminess and his seeming belief that he’s better than he actually is, I finally understand why my friend Samantha labels him the “Neo-Guido”.  The judges incessantly yelping “originality artistry originality artistry” at the other Idols is ironic, considering that Gokey’s song tonight could have been titled, “Pretty Young Jesus Takes The Wheel And Gets Ready to Stand By Me With Endless Love (September is What Hurts The Most)”.  With each indistinguishable week bleeding into the next, he’s not so much a throwback  but a vocal myopic – with no comprehension of diversity or growth.  That Kara complimented his two-note range as pitch-perfect and Paula head-scratchingly alleging that he possesses one of the sexiest voices ever only exposes their lust for one-dimensional chubby, double-chinned choir boys.

****

Alison Iraheta
Song: Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff”
Grade: B+

Enticingly seated on the onstage stairs, garbed in a skin-tight full leather outfit as if Lolita went shopping at Trash & Vaudeville, cooing seductively a song about pre-coital lust, yearning and desire, then erupting in a sexual frenzy, I half-expected NBCs Brian Williams to walk out of my kitchen to tell me I’m on the next edition of “Dateline: To Catch A Predator” for partaking in this curious performance.  But Alison appears to be so beyond her years, that, like say 14-year old Jodie Foster in “Taxi Driver”, we accept her  stunning portrayal on the level that it’s meant to be – art.  It wasn’t Iraheta’s most pristine vocal of the season (Simon citing its ’brilliance’ was to fortify his recent dismissal of Lil) but it’s that guttural, albeit at times diction-challenged (‘hover’ instead of ‘lover’?) drawl that endears.  And endures.

****

Adam Lambert
Song: Yvonne Elliman’s “If I Can’t Have You”
Grade: B+

With his inclination to dissipate any traditionalism in song selection – i.e. modernizing everything from “Tracks Of My Tears” to “Born To Be Wild” – Adam epitomizes that oft-requested “artistry”. When he loses his vocal self-control (those wails heard round the world), it brings to focus the polarity of love and disdain.  But his performances of late have been so peerless that one easily forgives the histrionics.  However, when a Lambert performance is less-than supernatural (and how dare we suggest he ever be anything but), the concentration is lost because of it.  Beautiful in parts with a still-ethereal falsetto, the arrangement becomes somewhat vagrant and disparate, hence the focus on the out-of-the-blue vocal abandonment that has polarized many.  This does not mean to denote his métier, of course, as he turns a desperate song into a plaintive plea.

****

Matt Giraud
Song: Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”
Grade: B

You can tell by the way he uses his walk, Matt’s a woman’s man, no time for talk.  Alas, the music’s loud and the women may be warm, and  he might have been kicked around since he’s been born…who knows?  I mean it’s been a habit with the judges anyway.  With tongue-firmly-implanted-in-cheek bravado, Giraud permeates this song as if it were scripted for him. Awkward, cheesy, with a soupcon of frenetic overkill, when he finally pleaded “I’m going nowhere, somebody help me, somebody help me yeah!” I couldn’t help but smile at the audacity of it.

****

Anoop Desai
Song: Donna Summer’s “Dim All The Lights”
Grade:  B-

As the only great vocalist to emerge from the Disco era, Summer’s catalog is fair play, no matter how painful the procedure. I was kinda thrilled that Desai picked this Top 5 smash (Summer actually wrote it for Rod Stewart from a male perspective until she decided to record it herself) hoping Anoop would down-tempo it for a more bluesy appeal as Summer herself did in this 1999 concert – brilliantly invoking Stewart’s “Maggie Mae”:

If you listen back to Desai’s presentation, for approximately 37 seconds you will hear a reserved, almost haunting quality in his voice, as if the ghosts of his R&B dreams were finally coming to fruition.  Yet, like milk left out in the sun, Desai’s freshness soured to a fetid stench. How does something go so wrong so swiftly?  The remainder of the song defined Cowell’s age-old “Cruise Ship” disgorging, with its meandering mid-tempo arrangement and tuneless delivery. What could have cured my season-long allergy to Anoop’s irrelevance quickly gave me food poisoning and that’s a shame because for a brief moment I bore witness to actual potential.

****