Something is amiss with my cable box tonight…so, sadly there is no REPORT CARD this evening. I watched sporadically, as my DVR seemingly had a mind of its own and recorded what it wanted when it wanted. Or just decided to stop recording altogether. Because of this, I don’t think it’s fair to critique without watching each performance again.
As most of my faithful readers know, I rarely give an informed opinion after a single live viewing. So, once I am able to watch each Idol again and soak it all in, I’ll post and let you know…I understand that a Wednesday morning without the Report Card is a little less sunshine in your day, but as always, I appreciate your patience.
With all of season 8s anomalous guest mentors, the resurgence of former Idols and the onslaught of guest performers Idol has thrust upon us this season, I was resolute that, at any given moment in tonight’s telecast, Ashton Kutcher was going to crawl from underneath the judges console to let America know it’s just been Punk’d. Is there a more logical raison d’être, because I’m not sure exactly what happened – in the most colossal bombshell of the year so far, not only was Adam Lambert plopped into the bottom 3, he plummeted into the bottom 2! OH MY GOD!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!!
Okay, okay…unlike Adam himself, I’ll stop the histrionics. Once Kris was affirmed safe and Adam stood on stage with Matt, I could almost hear America’s collective sigh of relief. There certainly was a few at my home.
But, what in the name of Gokey’s wife was Adam thinking? What is THIS that has reared its unfortunate head? Where did this sudden lack of modesty come from and how will America deal with it moving forward?
In an unprecedented display of arrogance never exposed before, when Seacrest (after dividing Matt and Danny, then Kris and Allison) asked Lambert which group he thinks be belongs to, Adam, assuming he was safe, remarked, “I love everybody…why did you do this to me…based on last night? Probably that group!” and he waltzed over to Allison/Danny. I surmise he didn’t heed the words of wisdom I bestowed upon Anoop a few weeks back – curiosity didn’t kill the cat…it was overconfidence – because it was not only tacky to really choose, but he chose the wrong side. Allison and Danny are safe and to a flabbergasted audience, Seacrest pulled Adam next to Matt and Kris for this week’s genuine bottom 3.
That Adam has demonstrated nothing but humility all season long negates this fleeting arrogance as merely naïve, as I’m sure it was inadvertent on his part (Lambert is the one Idol who would be somewhat justified to boast so haughtily, but he’s taken all his praise with meekness). While that might (or might not) be true, it does indicate that he was uneducated about Idol’s past, as history seemed to repeat itself tonight; the last Idol to actually choose a side when asked by Ryan ALSO naively chose erroneously, and that was George Huff in season 3 on that infamous evening when Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson and LaToya London scandalously found themselves in the bottom 3 (while the likes of Jasmine Trias and John Stevens – along with Huff and Diana DeGarmo – escaped unscathed) resulting in Hudson’s ejection. Every season proceeding this dark day in Idolwood, when an Idol was propelled into this same precarious, uncomfortable (and scripted) position, they either refused to partake in the evil game, or as in the case of Bo’s season 4 archetype, they merely sat center stage in a defiant display of solidarity. Arrogance is a bitch, Adam. Be careful.
Update: Reader Shanon wrote to correct my lack of memory. Says she:
You are incorrect, sir. The last person who actually chose a group was Taylor Hicks, who walked right over to shake the hand of Chris Daughtry. And yes, it was the wrong choice.
Thanx for the info, Shanon!
****
Back peddling is a motif not often exercised by Simon, so it had me tittering a little that he reversed his negativity by stating that, after re-viewing last night’s showdown, “Everyone was good”. I wonder if that was candor or a way to circumvent the universal ire he surely must have sensed after his attempt to sabotage Allison’s golden performance of “Someone To Watch Over Me” or even Kris’ “The Way You Look Tonight”. And while we’re on the subject of incapacitation, I myself stand by Kris’ grade, which many readers thought was too lenient. His arrangement of “The Way You Look Tonight” might have been somewhat naïve (I mean, this is the same kid who pondered who the mentor could possibly be because, you know, the Rat Pack are all, well, dead), but his passion overrode the inconsistencies.
But there’s still no explicable rational for Simon’s tin-eared appraisal of Matt’s tottering “My Funny Valentine”. To paraphrase my friend Charles’ 2am ranting, any fool who attempts “Valentine” after Melinda Doolittle’s season 6 definitive classic will suffer the same wrath as the ignoramus who undertakes the forbidden echelon of Fantasia’s “Summertime”. The latter hasn’t happened yet, so let Matt be a lesson learned for both.
****
In retrospect, I wonder if Adam was genuinely one of the two lowest vote-getters. After all, Ryan never used the phrase “this is your bottom 2″. He stated “So we are left with Matt and Adam. One of them is leaving the competition tonight”. But I’ll leave that debate to the Idol conspiracy theorists. I’m not so sure I’ll argue with the results. Just because it’s a rarity, doesn’t mean that front-runners can’t occasionally falter. Once again, one need only to look toward the great Fantasia, who had her share of bottom three nights.
As I mentioned yesterday and Ryan reiterated tonight, next week’s theme is Rock And Roll, which is as scopic as themes can get – pretty much everything falls under that banner. We could assume each Idol will perform two selections each, so I can only lick my lips in anticipation at just what Adam and Allison will enthrall us with. Will Kris sparkle or will his light once again be dimmed? As fate often subscribes, just when I have a scintilla of hope for a more reserved, tuneful Gokey (I know, it’s a foolish ideal based on a minute and a half out of 10 weeks), along comes Rock to roll it all away.
****
Oh, just for the hell of it:
****
Seriously, I peed myself a little – click on the panicked Jim’s pic for the most hilarious Idol in :60 yet~
I won’t harp ad nauseum as I usually am apt to do, but let it suffice to say that I have no choice but to be content with the remaining 5 weeks – even with the mounting frustration of watching infinitely more talented Idols fall to the wayside as Danny Gokey disgorges his way toward the sure-to-be most disparate finals of them all (hyperbole aside, I can’t recall such polar vocal opposites as his and Adam’s). And who do I cast these poison-filled aspersions toward…?
“OFF WITH SIMON’S HEAD!” I say! Relax, I meant figuratively. But the man has either lost his mind or really wants to save his already-crimson face. Last week I stated that he’s lost his Lil by weeks – he’ll be damned if he loses his Danny too. By negating two of the night’s better vocals, Simon is trying his damnedest for his oft-quoted Adam Vs. Danny final. He’s reported as much to various news outlets this week and to solidify his waning credibility, he’ll sabotage anyone in his path. Shame on him.
****
When the theme was announced, the Internet Idol world was abuzz on the automatic disadvantage for Allison, as it’s a testosterone-heavy compendium. “Rat Pack Standards”, as I wrote last week, was as stupid and vague a theme as Idol ever announced. One conjures images of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop cavorting in Vegas in one of their misogynistic, homophobic, racist, politically incorrect revues to a white audience circa 1960. But this Rat Pack wasn’t a singing group, per se. Sure, Sinatra, Martin and Davis were legendary performers/vocalists, but only as individuals did they cement any chart successes.
To state it matter-of-factly – there is no such thing as “Rat Pack Standards”!
Amalgamated, the “Rat Pack” were basically cover artists, incorporating already-established standards/classics to their repertoire (usually their own signature songs). They weren’t the Beatles – they didn’t standardize any particular song or even (musical) style. Hence, the “Rat Pack Standards” theme really should have been called “Jazz Standards” or “Jazz Week” or even “Big Band” (as it was so memorably – by Kelly and Tamyra – in season 1 and by Fantasia and LaToya in season 3) but that doesn’t supplicate the hip, cool lapel Idol has always yearned, but never fulfilled. “Cool” “hip” and “American Idol” just aren’t tags that could seriously be used in the same sentence. But it’s what caused initial alarm for Allison and whether or not it was a dire warning, well, you’ll just have to read below!
****
What exactly Jamie Foxx has to do with the Rat Pack is anyone’s guess. His musical output owes more to mass-market Top 40 Hip Hop-influenced R&B, but he is a classically trained pianist, and he won an Oscar lip-syncing to Jazz legend Ray Charles, plus he has a new film to promote – and that’s close enough for a mentor in Idol’s eyes.
Historically, the Top 5 have always performed two selections, but even though each Idol will get two phone numbers, it’s going to be a single-choice evening. Season 8 has been produced and directed in such shambles this that there’s simply no time to display too much singing in what’s supposed to be a singing contest.
****
Kris Allen
Song: The Way You Look Tonight
Grade: B+
Kris might be (only partly) right on some deep-rooted level when he intoned – after Foxx nearly wet himself in exaltation – that he ‘doesn’t measure up vocally’ to his Idol compatriots, but what he might or might not lack in brute force he makes up with elucidation. He could have coasted this season on his crystalline boy-band good looks juxtaposed with wan performances and allowed the ovaries of America do the the dialing. Yet, week after week he’s shown to be a solid vocalist, an interesting interpreter and a fine arranger, actually allowing his innate abilities to overshadow his beauty, which in itself is a rarity in Idol’s world. Despite Simon’s bizarre de-pimping (“I don’t get the felling tonight that you can win this competition”. WHAT!?!) – Kris did a good enough job with tonight’s theme. It might have been less-than-polished (with unnecessary falsetto fluttering), but it’s his imperfections that actually spiced up a perfect song and it sparkled.
On a personal level, this song is special to me. My partner and I celebrated our 7th anniversary (4/28/02) and, like Kismet, we were delighted that Kris chose to sing “our” song on this day, our anniversary. Kris might not have been “the bomb” tonight, but I take comfort that he didn’t “bomb” on our special night.
****
Allison Iraheta
Song: Someone To Watch Over Me
Grade: A
Allison was never the most technically proficient singer of the whole Top 13, but since when has technicality equalled aesthetics? You want robotics, go buy a Carrie Underwood CD. However, my only quibble with Allison’s vocal agility is her diction. Her propensity to add an “H” to the beginning of too many words tends to distract from the natural beauty of her instrument (“Hwatch Hover Me”?). Yet vocally, Allison contemporized a Jazz standard for the MTV generation. The arrangement was similar to Katharine McPhee’s from season 5, but unlike McPhee (like Underwood, another Idol android devoid of emotion) Iraheta comprehends the human experience of lyrical substance and displays a dichotomy of yearning and adamancy, desire and nostalgia. Simon should be publicly caned for flinging her under his million-dollar Limo in another no-holds-barred Danny dick-suckfest.
****
Matt Giruad
Song: My Funny Valentine
Grade: C+
In a genre he should have aced on a night he could have flourished, there were so many instances of apprehension in Giraud’s delivery that it painted a clear indicative of his major vocal faux pas: lack of confidence. Was he aware of his inability to navigate through the labyrinthine melody, or did he realize too late that where the vocal should have soared it would instead glide over some pretty rough terrain? And, should we place blame on Giraud’s vocals or his adhering to Foxx’s stilted advice to sing in full voice? One of the biggest ironies of season 8 is that Giraud’s recorded voice is one of the most stellar.
****
Danny Gokey
Song: Come Rain Or Come Shine
Grade: B-
When one chooses to interpret a lyric like “Come Rain Or Come Shine”, with its dark innuendo and desperate undertones, it’s probably best not to do so with a Colgate smile. For the first time this season – or at least the first minute forty seconds of his performance – Gokey seemed to indicate a comprehension of this, as his physicality showcased the hidden connotation of this great Harold Arlen/Johnny Mercer standard. Why he decided to incorporate his trademark mush-mouthed diatribe for the last verse boggles any logical discernment. I would have cut him some slack for such a conservative opening, but from his Jesus-like entrance, to his applauding himself, to his thanking the screaming adulators in the audience, to Simon’s anointment, Gokey’s unctuousness is so soiled with muck and mire that every time I watch him I need to shower the sins away.
On that note, I WILL forever be indebted to Gokey for his restraint – on a night copious with Jazz classics – from dueting with his dead wife on “Unforgettable” ala Natalie Cole. Not that I wouldn’t put that past him, of course.
****
Adam Lambert
Song: Feeling Good
Grade: B+
One could argue that the mighty Idol machine might be in the business of manipulation (no kidding!) with their Lambert lighting alone. No other contestant is so swathed and bathed in such glorious illuminations on a regular basis than Adam. It’s an unfair advantage that, say, a Kris or Allison are never bestowed (in such rough economic times, I’d love to see the utility bill for this most profitable TV show of them all) but then again this is Adam’s show to lose. He’s never dull sonically and his outrageous performance art sets an unprecedented Idol paradigm almost on a weekly basis – his vocals remain nonpareil as he swooped and soared in all his faux-macho posturing – but his variation on Muse’s version (watch it HERE) of this Nina Simone classic was so campy and so outrageously grandiloquent I would’ve placed a bet that Jon Benet Ramsey wasn’t gone after all – she was shipped to Brazil and became Lambert. And that might not be for the faint of heart. Me? I have a heart of steel.
****
It would be an injustice if Allison can’t garner enough votes for her finest Idol moment yet. With next week’s “Rock” theme (with Guns N Roses’ Slash as mentor), it would be a damned shame if she weren’t around to blast into Top 3 territory.
The ousting of Anoop and Lil was tardy justice. Remember, folks, that Anoop’s ascension was a glitch due to the “surprise” announcement that 12 would become 13, restructuring Idol’s status quo for the whole season. His insubstantial performances and instinctive arrogance only proved detrimental to anyone who attempted to give this quasi-talent the initial benefit of the doubt.
Lil’s defeat was a thrill to all who never comprehended the over-saturation of praise that was heaped upon her since her ear-curdling “I Will Always Love You” during Hollywood week, which cemented her status as season 8s quota-filling token black diva-in-waiting. It’s an annual tradition in Idol land.
There have been outrageously absurd curios littering Idol for years, but KRaPSs insistence that Lil was a “great singer” when she never proved an above-competent one, even while droning negative feedback, only solidifies their major blunder. They wanted another Fantasia – or Melinda – but what they received was a poor-man’s LaKisha (who, at the very least, was an adequate vocalist who reinforced her Top 10 status amongst the muck-and-mires that were the SciFi season 6 contestants, and at the most gave one classic Idol moment – Bon Jovi week).
I don’t feel the need to express my disgust/fascination with the double-elimination show as a complete entity, with its Paula Abdul disco choreographed number, David Archuleta sadly still not perfecting the art of performance, the hilarious Disco medley (Freda Payne’s “Band Of Gold” was released in 1970. How exactly is this Disco?) etc… when there’s my friend Jim who will brilliantly and hilariously recap it for you. Just click on his picture-is-worth-a-thousand-words photo below~
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So, this odd chapter ends and we’re down to our Top 5. Next week’s theme – Songs of The Rat Pack – is as stupid and vague as any an Idol theme. Me? Can’t wait!
“DISCO IS DEAD!!” Okay, not really. Disco never died, it merely morphed into the New Wave of the early 80s and transgressed into both Hip Hop and what we call “Club Music” today. The now-classic “Saturday Night Fever” saturation of the Pop music landscape begot the backlash, but the “Disco Sucks” and “Death To Disco” sloganeering was more derived from the homophobia and racism of late 70s Rock machinations who feared the testosterone levels in mainstream mass media would be lowered to the new standard of the Village People.
History dictates that this never happened, of course, but Disco-as-moniker suffered for years before its resurgence of respect less than a decade after its ‘official’ demise. Eventually, after such irreverent hostilities subsided, everyone was proud to banner their Disco lapel.
This meandering Readers Digest history aside, the Disco theme on AI indeed did die, years ago. It could never be called a train wreck, really; it was more akin to the Hindenburg disaster. Season 1 forwent the theme altogether, as it first reared itself in season’s 2 (most gruesomely by Carmen Rasmussen’s “Turn The Beat Around” and Josh Gracin’s “Celebration”, which is really not Disco at all) and 3 (where the ghastly Jasmine Trias butchered “It’s Raining Men” and Fantasia mistook a Bonnie Tyler rock song – “Holding Out For A Hero” – for a Disco anthem). Season 4 spuriously renamed the genre “70s Dance Music” (Constantine croaked his way through “Nights On Broadway” while Carrie Deadwood squalled “MacArthur Park”) but that was cheating and they knew it, and season’s 5 and 7 tossed it again. The closest season 6 got was a Bee Gees Night, or “Songs Written By Barry Gibb”. Historical inaccuracies aside, the Brothers Gibb weren’t really Disco artists anyway.
Which is really my only frustration with tonight’s resurrected theme. With the possible exception of Lambert’s and Giraud’s choices, none of these song selects should be considered Disco. Earth Wind & Fire and Chaka Khan were/are classic Soul performers, one Donna Summer cut was a hit post-Disco (1983!), and another from her Rock album “Bad Girls” (with the song winning her a Grammy for Best Rock performance). Apples and oranges, I guess – Idol has a song list that’s always proved not to be so prodigious.
But what’s that I said? “Only frustration?” Well, yes really. In a historical perspective, it was the “best” Disco-themed night of all seasons, which isn’t to say it was a stellar evening of entertainment. It wasn’t. Nothing transcended into art (sorry Adam fans! Oh, wait. I’m one!) but we can’t expect weekly epiphanies, now can we? Can we?
****
Lil Rounds
Song: Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman”
Grade: C+
There is no defense for Lil’s outrageously egregious “I’m Every Woman” – she bayed her way through it like she were a High School choral member invited to perform on the Jerry Lewis Telethon (Chaka is a genius stylist – even Whitney Houston’s was impotent by comparison). But I can understand her solemnity. To directly quote Idol guru Rickey, “The judges threw her under the bus and then kicked her on the curb and yanked her extensions out with a forklift”. I concur. What negates KRaPSs critiques is twofold; first, they appeared to be enjoying Rounds’ performance (clapping along as Paula stood dancing from first note to last.) Secondly, they’ve complimented her in the past for far worse. This negative feedback should have been bestowed upon Rounds months ago, instead of allowing her to believe she is the great vocalist she never will be. What they did tonight was to fortify their desires for Lil-less Top 5.
****
Kris Allen
Song: Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard For The Money”
Grade: A-
Often idiotically misread as a hooker lament (can’t anyone actually hear the lyrics?) Kris takes an early-80s woman’s anthem and embraces it as observer, underscoring the song’s appeal for an understanding of the injustices of the working woman from the male point of view. That he did so by twisting the arrangement, giving a pristine vocal, and imbuing an acoustic vibe – oh, yeah, and by stealing the night – only makes it more thrilling.
****
Danny Gokey
Song: Earth Wind & Fire’s “September”
Grade: C
It gets exhaustively easy proverbially beating up on this hack. With his peripatetic grooveless moves, his holier-than-thou smarminess and his seeming belief that he’s better than he actually is, I finally understand why my friend Samantha labels him the “Neo-Guido”. The judges incessantly yelping “originality artistry originality artistry” at the other Idols is ironic, considering that Gokey’s song tonight could have been titled, “Pretty Young Jesus Takes The Wheel And Gets Ready to Stand By Me With Endless Love (September is What Hurts The Most)”. With each indistinguishable week bleeding into the next, he’s not so much a throwback but a vocal myopic – with no comprehension of diversity or growth. That Kara complimented his two-note range as pitch-perfect and Paula head-scratchingly alleging that he possesses one of the sexiest voices ever only exposes their lust for one-dimensional chubby, double-chinned choir boys.
****
Alison Iraheta
Song: Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff”
Grade: B+
Enticingly seated on the onstage stairs, garbed in a skin-tight full leather outfit as if Lolita went shopping at Trash & Vaudeville, cooing seductively a song about pre-coital lust, yearning and desire, then erupting in a sexual frenzy, I half-expected NBCs Brian Williams to walk out of my kitchen to tell me I’m on the next edition of “Dateline: To Catch A Predator” for partaking in this curious performance. But Alison appears to be so beyond her years, that, like say 14-year old Jodie Foster in “Taxi Driver”, we accept her stunning portrayal on the level that it’s meant to be – art. It wasn’t Iraheta’s most pristine vocal of the season (Simon citing its ’brilliance’ was to fortify his recent dismissal of Lil) but it’s that guttural, albeit at times diction-challenged (‘hover’ instead of ‘lover’?) drawl that endears. And endures.
****
Adam Lambert
Song: Yvonne Elliman’s “If I Can’t Have You”
Grade: B+
With his inclination to dissipate any traditionalism in song selection – i.e. modernizing everything from “Tracks Of My Tears” to “Born To Be Wild” – Adam epitomizes that oft-requested “artistry”. When he loses his vocal self-control (those wails heard round the world), it brings to focus the polarity of love and disdain. But his performances of late have been so peerless that one easily forgives the histrionics. However, when a Lambert performance is less-than supernatural (and how dare we suggest he ever be anything but), the concentration is lost because of it. Beautiful in parts with a still-ethereal falsetto, the arrangement becomes somewhat vagrant and disparate, hence the focus on the out-of-the-blue vocal abandonment that has polarized many. This does not mean to denote his métier, of course, as he turns a desperate song into a plaintive plea.
****
Matt Giraud
Song: Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”
Grade: B
You can tell by the way he uses his walk, Matt’s a woman’s man, no time for talk. Alas, the music’s loud and the women may be warm, and he might have been kicked around since he’s been born…who knows? I mean it’s been a habit with the judges anyway. With tongue-firmly-implanted-in-cheek bravado, Giraud permeates this song as if it were scripted for him. Awkward, cheesy, with a soupcon of frenetic overkill, when he finally pleaded “I’m going nowhere, somebody help me, somebody help me yeah!” I couldn’t help but smile at the audacity of it.
****
Anoop Desai
Song: Donna Summer’s “Dim All The Lights”
Grade: B-
As the only great vocalist to emerge from the Disco era, Summer’s catalog is fair play, no matter how painful the procedure. I was kinda thrilled that Desai picked this Top 5 smash (Summer actually wrote it for Rod Stewart from a male perspective until she decided to record it herself) hoping Anoop would down-tempo it for a more bluesy appeal as Summer herself did in this 1999 concert – brilliantly invoking Stewart’s “Maggie Mae”:
If you listen back to Desai’s presentation, for approximately 37 seconds you will hear a reserved, almost haunting quality in his voice, as if the ghosts of his R&B dreams were finally coming to fruition. Yet, like milk left out in the sun, Desai’s freshness soured to a fetid stench. How does something go so wrong so swiftly? The remainder of the song defined Cowell’s age-old “Cruise Ship” disgorging, with its meandering mid-tempo arrangement and tuneless delivery. What could have cured my season-long allergy to Anoop’s irrelevance quickly gave me food poisoning and that’s a shame because for a brief moment I bore witness to actual potential.
